No, I'm not offering a casual salutation with today's header (although it can certainly be taken as such if you like...:-)
What's Up? is the title of a song made famous by a group called "4 Non-Blondes," which was popular in the mid-1990's. Lots of guitar riffs, a lyric which begins with a less-than-optimistic line, twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill... (and so forth.) My point in writing this is not to explore the poetry of the song (although that would be interesting) but rather to discuss how powerful music can be as a catalyst for emotional recall.
I have owned this cd since it came out, but had probably not listened to it in close to 10 years. We all have those cds...the ones that take up space in the folder, yet aren't disposable. Anyway, for whatever reason, I happened to pull it out in the car today and stuck it in the cd player. I immediately clicked ahead to What's Up? just because I recalled having liked it. Well, that's where the story gets interesting...
Within the first 10 seconds, I was absolutely transported to summer, 1994. That was a particularly nice time for me...I was working at a summer theatre called The Lost Colony in Manteo, NC. I had a pretty girlfriend who worked in the costume shop, a raggedy red convertible, and I was being paid to live at the beach. I was barely 24 years old (actually, I turned 24 during the rehearsal period) and life was good. It was one of those hopeful, happy times that remind us that life is worth living. (Side note...I can remember calling home on the Sunday night of the Tony Awards and telling my dad how I felt like I really "belonged" for the first time in my life.)
Back to the story...as soon as this not-heard-in-a-while music started to play, I listened with great happiness for a minute or so, and that is when it got weird. I realized that there were honest-to-God tears in my eyes, and a growing flutter in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't sad...it was a far more textured emotion than sadness...a wistful yet somehow pleasant melancholia would be the best way I could describe it. I had to turn it off, not because the experience was painful. It was...intense. I was having happy memories, but there was a tinge of regret at their being only memories. It was like seeing long-lost friends standing before you, but evaporating when you tried to touch or talk to them.
What does this mean? I suppose it means that I am at what most statistics would say is the half-way point of my life, and I am starting to realize the finite nature of things. Not being pessimistic, but there are so many things I will never experience again...and summer of 1994 is among them. There are, of course, good and special times to come, but that particular experience is gone forever. Such is the way of life. However, memories make us who we are, and even the ones you regret being "just memories" stand as proof of a life well-lived.
The comedian Jackie Gleason put it best:
"Acting young isn't what makes you young. But if you've got some memories, some good memories of when you were young, that's what keeps you young."
-FLT3
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Horror
I suppose the header of this post could refer to a fun-filled summertime "scary movie" complete with vampires, monsters, and a snack of candy and popcorn.
How I wish it did.
Today in Texas, the bodies of a mother and her four children were found hanging in a mobile home. As in strangled to death. The one survivor was an 8-month-old infant. I can barely keep from crying as I think about it.
The news media are speculating that the case is a murder/suicide. This makes it even worse. Some mealy, self-pitying bitch hangs her children and then takes the cowardly way out by kiling herself. I have no doubt that there will be numerous attempts by psychiatrists and talking heads to explain how she was suffering from depression, or whatever. Allow me to call "bullshit" right now.
I suffer from depression. I probably spend at least 35 or 40 percent of my waking life either pretending to be happy or just trying not to be debilitatingly sad. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed and not burst into tears for little or no reason. It hurts. It's very sad. My depression has cost me relationships, opportunities, and countless happy times that I could have enjoyed if I had not been curled up on my sofa sniffling.
HOWEVER, I have never once thought of harming anyone, much less a child...much less my own child...(not that I have kids, but you get the point.) I can only wonder how sweet, how trusting, how innocent those kids must have been, especially the 8-month-old who could only smile and make baby noises when her "mother" picked her up and wrapped a rope around her neck. God, it makes me want to vomit.
Those who know me know that I am a proud liberal. I think our jails are ridiculously overcrowded, and I believe that minor (non-violent) crimes can usually be handled outside the penal system. I think the death penalty is barbaric, and that even prisoners deserve humane treatment.. That said, I still wish that scum-sucking pig of a woman had lived so that she could be beaten, abused, gang-raped and eventually murdered in prison. Nothing that would be done to her could be half bad enough.
I am not proud of these thoughts, and perhaps as the immediacy of the event passes, so will some of the hatred in my guts. I doubt it.
If you are religious (and even if you aren't,) please pray for these poor, innocent children who had the misfortune to be born to a true waste of human life. I suppose if I truly lived my own religion, I would solicit prayers for the "mother" as well. That is, as the saying goes, "what Jesus would do."
I'm just not there yet.
FLT3
How I wish it did.
Today in Texas, the bodies of a mother and her four children were found hanging in a mobile home. As in strangled to death. The one survivor was an 8-month-old infant. I can barely keep from crying as I think about it.
The news media are speculating that the case is a murder/suicide. This makes it even worse. Some mealy, self-pitying bitch hangs her children and then takes the cowardly way out by kiling herself. I have no doubt that there will be numerous attempts by psychiatrists and talking heads to explain how she was suffering from depression, or whatever. Allow me to call "bullshit" right now.
I suffer from depression. I probably spend at least 35 or 40 percent of my waking life either pretending to be happy or just trying not to be debilitatingly sad. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed and not burst into tears for little or no reason. It hurts. It's very sad. My depression has cost me relationships, opportunities, and countless happy times that I could have enjoyed if I had not been curled up on my sofa sniffling.
HOWEVER, I have never once thought of harming anyone, much less a child...much less my own child...(not that I have kids, but you get the point.) I can only wonder how sweet, how trusting, how innocent those kids must have been, especially the 8-month-old who could only smile and make baby noises when her "mother" picked her up and wrapped a rope around her neck. God, it makes me want to vomit.
Those who know me know that I am a proud liberal. I think our jails are ridiculously overcrowded, and I believe that minor (non-violent) crimes can usually be handled outside the penal system. I think the death penalty is barbaric, and that even prisoners deserve humane treatment.. That said, I still wish that scum-sucking pig of a woman had lived so that she could be beaten, abused, gang-raped and eventually murdered in prison. Nothing that would be done to her could be half bad enough.
I am not proud of these thoughts, and perhaps as the immediacy of the event passes, so will some of the hatred in my guts. I doubt it.
If you are religious (and even if you aren't,) please pray for these poor, innocent children who had the misfortune to be born to a true waste of human life. I suppose if I truly lived my own religion, I would solicit prayers for the "mother" as well. That is, as the saying goes, "what Jesus would do."
I'm just not there yet.
FLT3
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
From the other side...a casualty.
I just read online that Jerry Falwell died today. While I rather enthusiastically disagreed with 99.999% of the bile he spewed on an almost daily basis, my immediate response was "oh that's awful." Aside from having been raised with manners, I have no idea why I said that. Obviously, his family and friends will be sad, as will a legion of right-wing extremist nutjobs, but I can't say that my daily life will really be affected.
The cleansing power of death is an interesting thing...earlier this year, Gerald Ford (who had been nothing more than a punchline for years) died at almost 100 years old. Although a slight nod to the Nixon pardon scandal was perfunctorally offered once or twice, the overall opinion of Ford seemed to be that he was a great statesman who made a difficult (but right) decision. It will be interesting to see if the mainstream deifies Falwell now.
Did I want to vomit at most of what he said? Absolutely. Do I think he will have "some 'splainin' to do" when he reaches the pearly gates? Without a doubt. (That whole hate-fueled bigotry thing you know, not to mention making millions in the name of God while ignoring that whole "love your fellow man" business...) HOWEVER, out of respect for the dead, I will say "so long Jerry." If nothing else, you were "to your own self true," and you gave those of us on the left a hell of a target. Requiem in terra pax.
FLT3
The cleansing power of death is an interesting thing...earlier this year, Gerald Ford (who had been nothing more than a punchline for years) died at almost 100 years old. Although a slight nod to the Nixon pardon scandal was perfunctorally offered once or twice, the overall opinion of Ford seemed to be that he was a great statesman who made a difficult (but right) decision. It will be interesting to see if the mainstream deifies Falwell now.
Did I want to vomit at most of what he said? Absolutely. Do I think he will have "some 'splainin' to do" when he reaches the pearly gates? Without a doubt. (That whole hate-fueled bigotry thing you know, not to mention making millions in the name of God while ignoring that whole "love your fellow man" business...) HOWEVER, out of respect for the dead, I will say "so long Jerry." If nothing else, you were "to your own self true," and you gave those of us on the left a hell of a target. Requiem in terra pax.
FLT3
Monday, May 07, 2007
An Ethical Dilemma
I had a very nice (non-contentious) conversation with my dad this morning, which prompted some self-reflection. I mentioned having contributed to PETA in the past, and he asked me if I actually agreed with everything the organization represents. I answered that yes, I do oppose animal testing and animal cruelty. He agreed, but brought up the issue of eating meat (which I do.) I also enjoy fishing, but had always assumed it was "ethical" as we always eat the fish we catch. I don't enjoy hunting, but I have always believed hunting to be morally acceptable if the meat is eaten. (I remember being taught at an early age that hunting solely for a "trophy" was the pinnacle of trashy, unsportsmanlike behavior.)
After reflecting (and visiting the PETA website,) I suppose I would have to re-examine my beliefs. As a carnivore (and a rather enthusiastic one at that) I definitely do not live up to the full teachings of PETA. I am reminded of a marvelous song from the Rex Harrison film, Dr. Doolittle. (I believe the title was "A Reluctant Vegetarian.") In the scene, Dr. Doolittle is telling a friend how he became a veteranarian/vegetarian:
"When I see my fellow men consuming sirloin steak,
And I find myself enjoying tea and Dundee cake,
There is only one conclusion I can make...
I'm a devoted vegetarian.
When my host at dinner offers succulent roast beef,
proudly I refuse it. People stare in disbelief.
Lost in admiration as I nibble on a leaf...
A very noted vegetarian.
I stay away from deviled ham on principle.
I wouldn't eat roast duckling if I could.
Willpower has made me invincible.
(My word, those sausages look good.)
(Doolittle notices that two rabbits have eaten his dinner)
Where's my dinner gone? Who's eaten it this time? It's bad enough to have to eat this muck in the first place! Just because I eat this instead of eating them, they think they can take advantage of me!
I eat every flowering shrub there is except for gorse!
Sometimes I get luxuries like beetroot leaves of course!
My life's much the same as any English horse!
Why should I be a vegetarian???
Turnip pie and peanuts, that's the sort of filth I eat!
Any sort of rubbish that is wholesome and discreet!
Why don't I admit that my hypocrisy's complete?
I'm a cheat! I love meat! Yes I am...
I love red-blooded juicy chunks of meat!
Legs of lamb, sides of beef, steaks and chops
and ducks and veal, and pork of course my favorite meal!
(The pig, "Gub-Gub," squeals at this)
...and then I hear poor Gub-Gub squeal.
Oh me...oh my...a reluctant, but sincere vegetarian
am I.
And there it is. While I must admit I have not even tried to be a vegetarian (and am not sure I could succeed if I did try) I do sympathize with the Doctor's plight. It does present a moral conundrum. If I had to watch cows and pigs being slaughtered, would it make a difference? If I visited a chicken farm, would it make a difference? Perhaps.
The question of nature and nutrition come to mind. Are we, as humans, supposed to eat animals? One could argue both Biblical and evolutionary points to the affirmative. On the other hand, can we not get everything we need nutritionally from plants and grains? On a personal level, am I the product of 37 years of cultural conditioning? Is my body and my digestive system so accustomed to eating meat that it would be difficult to stop now?
These are difficult questions...perhaps I will try to take a "vegetarian day" every now and then, just to see if I could do it. No promises that I could ever give up steak and chicken, but who knows...?
The bottom line, however, is that I do agree with and support the mission of PETA. Do I live up to their every standard? No. However, there are quite a few issues with which I agree 100% with PETA.
Animal Testing: Absurd. Barbaric. (And even though I don't often use this word, IMMORAL.) Can anyone truly think strapping small monkeys and rabbits down and spraying them in the eyes with perfume is civilized? Injecting animals with household cleaners to catalog their response? Utterly inhumane. How about the baby monkeys and puppies sent up in tiny spacecraft with no plans for getting them home? (Luckily, this practice seems to have stopped.) Animals should never be abused in this manner.
Fur: We live in a world in which faux fur is literally indistinguishable from real fur. I have nothing against a glamorous look. (Hey, I like glamorous women.) However, I can not understand how wearing the body of an innocent animal who was raised just to be killed for it's pelt is attractive. I love leopard-print, and think it's the most alluring thing a woman can wear, but man-made leopard- print is just as sexy... and a woman with compassion as well as allure is even more so.
Animal Cruelty: Beat a dog, go to jail. Kick a cat, go to jail. Starve a horse, go to jail.
...which leaves only the food issue. I am flawed, but I am aware of this.
FLT3
After reflecting (and visiting the PETA website,) I suppose I would have to re-examine my beliefs. As a carnivore (and a rather enthusiastic one at that) I definitely do not live up to the full teachings of PETA. I am reminded of a marvelous song from the Rex Harrison film, Dr. Doolittle. (I believe the title was "A Reluctant Vegetarian.") In the scene, Dr. Doolittle is telling a friend how he became a veteranarian/vegetarian:
"When I see my fellow men consuming sirloin steak,
And I find myself enjoying tea and Dundee cake,
There is only one conclusion I can make...
I'm a devoted vegetarian.
When my host at dinner offers succulent roast beef,
proudly I refuse it. People stare in disbelief.
Lost in admiration as I nibble on a leaf...
A very noted vegetarian.
I stay away from deviled ham on principle.
I wouldn't eat roast duckling if I could.
Willpower has made me invincible.
(My word, those sausages look good.)
(Doolittle notices that two rabbits have eaten his dinner)
Where's my dinner gone? Who's eaten it this time? It's bad enough to have to eat this muck in the first place! Just because I eat this instead of eating them, they think they can take advantage of me!
I eat every flowering shrub there is except for gorse!
Sometimes I get luxuries like beetroot leaves of course!
My life's much the same as any English horse!
Why should I be a vegetarian???
Turnip pie and peanuts, that's the sort of filth I eat!
Any sort of rubbish that is wholesome and discreet!
Why don't I admit that my hypocrisy's complete?
I'm a cheat! I love meat! Yes I am...
I love red-blooded juicy chunks of meat!
Legs of lamb, sides of beef, steaks and chops
and ducks and veal, and pork of course my favorite meal!
(The pig, "Gub-Gub," squeals at this)
...and then I hear poor Gub-Gub squeal.
Oh me...oh my...a reluctant, but sincere vegetarian
am I.
And there it is. While I must admit I have not even tried to be a vegetarian (and am not sure I could succeed if I did try) I do sympathize with the Doctor's plight. It does present a moral conundrum. If I had to watch cows and pigs being slaughtered, would it make a difference? If I visited a chicken farm, would it make a difference? Perhaps.
The question of nature and nutrition come to mind. Are we, as humans, supposed to eat animals? One could argue both Biblical and evolutionary points to the affirmative. On the other hand, can we not get everything we need nutritionally from plants and grains? On a personal level, am I the product of 37 years of cultural conditioning? Is my body and my digestive system so accustomed to eating meat that it would be difficult to stop now?
These are difficult questions...perhaps I will try to take a "vegetarian day" every now and then, just to see if I could do it. No promises that I could ever give up steak and chicken, but who knows...?
The bottom line, however, is that I do agree with and support the mission of PETA. Do I live up to their every standard? No. However, there are quite a few issues with which I agree 100% with PETA.
Animal Testing: Absurd. Barbaric. (And even though I don't often use this word, IMMORAL.) Can anyone truly think strapping small monkeys and rabbits down and spraying them in the eyes with perfume is civilized? Injecting animals with household cleaners to catalog their response? Utterly inhumane. How about the baby monkeys and puppies sent up in tiny spacecraft with no plans for getting them home? (Luckily, this practice seems to have stopped.) Animals should never be abused in this manner.
Fur: We live in a world in which faux fur is literally indistinguishable from real fur. I have nothing against a glamorous look. (Hey, I like glamorous women.) However, I can not understand how wearing the body of an innocent animal who was raised just to be killed for it's pelt is attractive. I love leopard-print, and think it's the most alluring thing a woman can wear, but man-made leopard- print is just as sexy... and a woman with compassion as well as allure is even more so.
Animal Cruelty: Beat a dog, go to jail. Kick a cat, go to jail. Starve a horse, go to jail.
...which leaves only the food issue. I am flawed, but I am aware of this.
FLT3
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