For Your Approval...

Day 30: The ground goes "squish."

Today brings a fairly long post, but one that I hope will be entertaining. I am submitting some writing to a local comedy troupe for (hopeful) performance. Whether or not any of what I write will wind up on stage remains to be seen. At any rate, below is one of the skits I submitted to the group, which I hereby submit for my readers' approval. (If it gets performed and you see the show, please refrain from shouting out the dialogue a la "Rocky Horror." :-)

Any comments will be welcomed...and if you don't keep up with Birmingham politics, it might be a bit difficult to follow...

"CELL BLOCK JACKPOT"

Characters:
Richard Scrushy
Antwon Brown
Bettye Fine Collins
That Guy On Southside Who Yells At Cars
Showgirl

SCRUSHY: (Entering in prison jumpsuit) Hi, there, everyone! I'm prisoner # 74452, but my friends call me Richard M. Scrushy! You may have heard of me. I'm the guy who was smart enough to create a multi-billion dollar empire, yet I expect you to believe I was dumb enough to let the people working for me commit a multi-billion dollar fraud. Don't you hate it when that happens? I mean...WHO KNEW!!??
Well, I find myself with a little time on my hands these days...7 to 10 years to be precise...and I have decided to pass that time doing what I do best...making money! That's why I am inviting you to play my new game show... RICHARD SCRUSHY'S CELL BLOCK JACKPOT!!!
(Game Show Music, SHOWGIRL enters with Applause sign.)
That's right! It's time to play the game that all the better correctional facilities are buzzing about, where YOU TOO can make a fortune - and possibly lose it without warning - hosted by me, Richard Scrushy, convicted felon, criminal mastermind, amateur rock star and ordained minister! Praise Jesus! (SHOWGIRL holds up applause sign)
Now let's meet our contestants for today! First, hailing from CousinEffer Alabama, a three-time assistant part-time employee of the month at Ray-Ray's Kwiky Mart and former Birmingham City Council Candidate...a man who enjoys fiction writing and getting creative with the English language...Antwon Brown! (ANTWON enters)

ANTWON: It's very splendumerous to be here, Richard.

SCRUSHY: Next, the darling of the Jefferson County Commission, a lady whose mind is always in the sewer, the lovely and controversial...Bettye Fine Collins! (BETTYE enters)

BETTYE: Hmmmmmmm...Hello.

SCRUSHY: And finally...an individual who needs no introduction, which is good because nobody really knows his name...the celebrated man about town we all know and love...That Guy On Southside Who Yells At Cars!

GUY: Aaaaaaaaargh!

SCRUSHY: Well said, as always, Guy On Southside Who Yells At Cars. Now, who's ready to win some potentially worthless stock options and allegedly stolen cash?
(SHOWGIRL raises applause sign)
Now remember the rules! The first one to hit the buzzer can answer the question, but if that person misses the answer, the other two contestants can give it a try. Everyone understand? Great! Let's begin...Question Number One...What was the first course of study eliminated from the public school system in the recent financial cuts?

(ANTWON hits buzzer - sound effect)

ANTWON: Uuuuuuh...would that be literatics and arithmatation, Richard?

SCRUSHY: No, I'm afraid literatics and arithmatation would be incorrect, Antwon. Bettye...?

BETTYE: Well, Dick...

SCRUSHY: RIchard.

BETTYE: Whatever. I have studied this issue for some time, and I have come to the conclusion that without more funding and a subsidiary tax, I can not fully address or adequately contemplate this issue. Once the school board approves my newly proposed tax on pimple cream, rap albums and unused condoms that sit in some kid's wallet for six years, the high school students of Birmingham should be able to provide sufficient revenue to maintain viability.

SCRUSHY: Thank you, Bettye, but that did not address the question.

BETTYE: There was a question?

SCRUSHY: Never mind. Contestant number three, That Guy On Southside Who Yells At Cars, what was the first course of study eliminated from the public school system in the recent financial crisis?

GUY: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

SCRUSHY: That's right! ART! Our first round winner...That Guy On Southside Who Yells At Cars!

(SHOWGIRL displays applause sign)

SCRUSHY: Question number two...for five thousand dollars worth of seized computers and a slightly used Flora-Bama t-shirt...and remember it's still anyone's game here...question number two...what is the fastest-growing waste disposal dump in Alabama?

GUY: Hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaauuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgh!

SCRUSHY: No, I'm sorry! "Hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuurrrrrrgh" is the name of Rep. John Rogers' boat, but it is NOT the fastest-growing waste disposal dump in Alabama.

GUY: Grrrrrrrrrmph!

SCRUSHY: Yes, indeed. Antwon?

ANTWON: I have used my mentalitics very ardutiously, Richard, and I am going to predillate a guesstation. Is it City Stages?

SCRUSHY: Oh, I'm afraid not...there haven't been enough people at City Stages over the past few years to fill a medium-sized Hefty bag with garbage.

ANTWON: Cursidos and rappletrap!

SCRUSHY: Yeah, what you said...Now Bettye, for the round, what is the fastest-growing waste disposal facility in Alabama?

BETTYE: John Katapodis?

SCRUSHY: That's right!!!! (SHOWGIRL displays applause sign.) Jabba The Katapodis, who enjoys threatening witnesses and trying out new recipies in the prison kitchen, is the correct answer!

BETTYE: Yeah. Good. Nice. Hmmmm-mmmmm.

(Sound effect-bell rings)

SCRUSHY: Oh ho! You all know what that bell means! It's time for our final round!!! With one win each for Bettye Fine Collins and That Guy On Southside Who Yells At Cars, the outcome of this game is still very much up in the air!

SHOWGIRL: Free The Hops!

SCRUSHY: Sweetie, not only is that joke almost a year out of date, if anyone is going to get freed around here, it's me!

SHOWGIRL: Don't bet on it, Richard...

SCRUSHY: Cute. Now, for our final round, this is sort of a personal question, therefore I will judge which answer is best. The question is...what steps have you personally taken to save money during the recent financial crisis? Bettye, we'll start with you...

BETTYE: I haven't been to the beauty parlor in months.

SCRUSHY: (Deadpan) No shit? (ALTERNATE LINE: "You don't say...)

BETTYE: Up yours, Richard. You've been in jail long enough to know what I mean.

SCRUSHY: Ouch! Sorry, Bitter Bettye! Better luck next time! Antwon?

ANTWON: I have feduciaciously leetailed my monetarialism in the expendations of financeosity, Richard.

SCRUSHY: Antwon, I have no idea what the hell you just said.

(SCRUSHY looks at SHOWGIRL. SHOWGIRL shrugs.)
(SCRUSHY looks at BETTYE and GUY who shrug.)
(ALL look at ANTWON, who shrugs.)

SCRUSHY: That Guy On Southside Who Yells At Cars, for the game, what steps have you personally taken to save money during the recent economic crisis?

GUY: (Suddenly eloquent) Well, Richard, I have found that by using the skills I developed in acting class...Yale School of Drama '98, by the way...I have secured quite gainful employment impersonating a local eccentric and simply holding out my hand, swathed in filth though it may be...Plus, I bought a boatload of HealthSouth when it was at 10 cents a share and sold when it hit twelve dollars.

SCRUSHY: (Slipping him some cash) I'm sorry, can you repeat that...?

GUY: Oh, sorry old boy...YAAAAAAARGGGH!

SCRUSHY: And that's the winning answer!!!!

BETTYE: What the hell?

ANTWON: I'm inpestulated!

SHOWGIRL: What a load of crap!

SCRUSHY: Unfortunately we're all out of time for today, so we'll see you next time! Meanwhile, don't forget the new album I just cut with featured soloist Bernie Madoff, titled "TWO OLD WHITE GUYS SINGIN' CHAIN GANG SONGS."
(SHOWGIRL displays record cover)
From "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" to "Freedom Ride," you'll enjoy hearing the classic tunes of incarceration as only The Richard Scrushy Band can present them! Until next time, take care, and hold on tight to the soap! I'm Richard Scrushy saying bye for now!

(Music swells as lights fade.)

In today's News From The Motherland...British Airways goes green...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/8268078.stm

Cheers!
FLT3